Photo from Prairie Home Productions, via Wikimedia Commons
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table – There’s nothing wrong with them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about it. Garrison Keillor
A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever. Garrison Keillor
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together. Garrison Keillor
A man can’t eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul. Garrison Keillor
A married guy is responsible for everything, no matter what. Women, thanks to their having been oppressed all these years, are blameless, free as birds, and all the dirt they do is the result of premenstrual syndrome or postmenstrual stress or menopause or emotional disempowerment by their fathers or low expectations by their teachers or latent unspoken sexual harassment in the workplace, or some other airy excuse. The guy alone is responsible for every day of marriage that is less than marvelous and meaningful. Garrison Keillor
Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. Garrison Keillor
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. Garrison Keillor
Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity. Garrison Keillor
Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweet corn and flowers, through sports, music and books, raising kids — all the places where the gravy soaks in and grace shines through. Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people. Garrison Keillor
God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny. Garrison Keillor
Humor, a good sense of it, is to Americans what manhood is to Spaniards and we will go to great lengths to prove it. Experiments with laboratory rats have shown that, if one psychologist in the room laughs at something a rat does, all of the other psychologists in the room will laugh equally. Nobody wants to be left holding the joke. Garrison Keillor
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it. Garrison Keillor
I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet. Garrison Keillor
I think the most un-American thing you can say is, ‘You can’t say that.’ Garrison Keillor
It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake. Garrison Keillor
It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars. Garrison Keillor
It’s important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of. Garrison Keillor
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we’ve gotten is Minnesota and North Dakota. Garrison Keillor
Librarians…possess a vast store of politeness. These are people who get asked regularly the dumbest questions on God’s green earth. These people tolerate every kind of crank and eccentric and mouth-breather there is. Garrison Keillor
Garrison Keillor Quotes
Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass. Garrison Keillor
Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it. Garrison Keillor
Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill. Garrison Keillor
Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to. Garrison Keillor
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted. Garrison Keillor
One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don’t read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining. Garrison Keillor
Possessing the ideal makes a person nervous: you sense the inevitable decline just ahead. Garrison Keillor
Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don’t put kids under surveillance: it might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze. Garrison Keillor
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known. Garrison Keillor
Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough. Garrison Keillor
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose. Garrison Keillor
The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future. Garrison Keillor
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think of the damage they would do if they were at the job instead, you can see why golf courses are a wise investment for any municipality. Garrison Keillor
There is almost no marital problem that can’t be helped enormously by taking off your clothes. Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m going to miss mine by just a few days. Garrison Keillor
Vodka is tasteless going down, but it is memorable coming up. Garrison Keillor
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average. Garrison Keillor
When in doubt, look intelligent. Garrison Keillor
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens don’t work in zero gravity. So they spent twelve million dollars and more than a decade developing a pen that writes under any condition, on almost every surface. The Russians used a pencil. Garrison Keillor
When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word. Garrison Keillor
Years ago, manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to be overcome. Garrison Keillor
You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories. Garrison Keillor