Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce
Noise: a stench in the ear. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. Ambrose Bierce
A person who doubts himself is like a man who would enlist in the ranks of his enemies and bear arms against himself. He makes his failure certain by himself being the first person to be convinced of it. Ambrose Bierce
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher. Ambrose Bierce
Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe, but in proportion to their readiness to doubt. Ambrose Bierce
Absurdity. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion. Ambrose Bierce
Bigamy: A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy. Ambrose Bierce
Brain: The apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce
Income is the natural and rational gauge and measure of respectability. Ambrose Bierce
Charity, n. a thing that begins at home and usually stays there. Ambrose Bierce
Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver. Ambrose Bierce
Diary, n. A daily record of that part of one’s life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. Ambrose Bierce
Eccentricity, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. Ambrose Bierce
A funeral is a pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker. Ambrose Bierce
Modesty, The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. Ambrose Bierce
Obstinate, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. Ambrose Bierce
A wedding is a ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become supportable. Ambrose Bierce
Admiration. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves. Ambrose Bierce
Eulogy. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power, or the consideration to be dead. Ambrose Bierce
Insurance. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table. Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Quotes
Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. Ambrose Bierce
New York is too strenuous for me; it gets on my nerves. Ambrose Bierce
Acquaintance. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while. Ambrose Bierce
Alliance. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambrose Bierce
Antipathy: The sentiment inspired by one’s friend’s friend. Ambrose Bierce
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce Ambition: n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living, and made ridiculous by friends when dead. Ambrose Bierce
Success: n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows. Ambrose Bierce
Compromise. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his due. Ambrose Bierce
Ugliness, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. Ambrose Bierce
Saint. A dead sinner revised and edited. Ambrose Bierce
Riot, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. Ambrose Bierce